Virus 2020-When You Think You're Doing Fine

 Can I say that, as a person with anxiety and depression, you think this COVID19 is a perfect excuse to just stay locked up inside and not have to be around other humans. Then, you begin to miss your favorite hang out spot (which is where I'm typing this up at now) and get sick of always being at home. 

Then, the next reality begins to set it that when you think you want to go out, that anxiety/depression fight begins. "Ugh, I don't feel like...."; "Ugh, I don't want to..."; "But I'm tired of being at home, I'm becoming anxious sitting inside all of the time".

The constant battle that was there before but now, worse because you were "required" to stay in other than necessities. Those necessities became your reprieve from always sitting at home but then, you got tired of going out again. 

So, I guess saying all of that, this is not a anxiety ridden persons paradise...well, for some of us anyway. Seeing that anxiety is as different as the person who has it. So, I can't even speak for those that may even be dealing with things similarly as me.

Oh, yeah, you may be asking: "I wonder where her favorite hang out spot is?" Or, maybe you're not... but I will tell you anyway...lol...

As strange as it may seem, I like hanging out at a Harris Teeter in my town that has an upstairs for customers to just sit and relax. Free wifi and a great view of our Uptown (or, as some may say, Downtown), especially at night when the buildings are all lit up. Then, there's a cute little "shopping" area that I have always loved and it has been updated with some "newer" shops since I moved here in 1989 but one or two stayed the same. 

Sorry, you didn't click on this for all of that did you? Well, it makes me happy! So, well, not sorry I guess...lol

Anyway. 

Now, with the rest of the world being in this thing about 5-5.5 months deep (not including China because they were dealing with it before the rest of the world). I think a lot of us have gone stir crazy. Even some of us that are generally introverts and don't mind being at home. I can only imagine the extroverts if the introverts are feeling like we are about to just lose our minds sometimes. Don't worry extroverts, just find yourself some introvert friends if you don't have any already, I'm sure we can find you something to do: inside and outside lol...

So, back to the original reason for this post, that I really didn't have a way I wanted to go when I started anyway but I just knew that I was not as fine as I thought I'd be. My anxiety about going out has gotten a bit worse. Depression a bit worse because when I want to go out, sometimes I "can't" which makes things worse for me. I have a therapist I talk to on the phone at least once a month. Bouncing things off of him helps many times but usually, by the time our conversations are over, I am just drained and end up in a bit of a mood because sometimes, I am having to deal with things I hate dealing with but may mentally attack me anyway. And sitting at home all day with nothing but time on my hands with nothing to really distract me on the outside world at least a once a week, yeah, I'm a bit stir crazy too. 

I guess I am typing all of this up for me but also for those that understand my ramblings and nodding your head at least a little, for you too. 

None of us are alone in this. The entire world is battling this. We are in a new normal now. Just like those of us who were here when 9/11 happened, we had a new normal then too. We made it through that, we will make it through this just like they did during the  Flu Pandemic of 1918. 

Take care of yourselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically as best you can. Get help when you need it. If you can't get a counselor for whatever the reason may be, talk to family, close friends/associates, journal, laugh, cry, whatever it is you may need to do to get the [negative] emotions out. Don't hold them in. That is not good for you or for anyone else if you end up lashing out at others. We are under enough stress in these times as it is and of course, I am speaking of things well beyond COVID19. We have to find [healthy] ways to destress. Whatever works for you, the individual reading this. 

We will be okay. Hopefully this will teach us to prepare for any future situations. Regardless of what they may be. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading this. I pray you are doing okay and can get the help you need to make it through this. 

Bridget

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Need Help?

National Suicide Hotline
(800) 273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Maybe they can also find a way to get you any other help you may need as well. 

My Journey to Healing

Welcome to my little space in this vast world of the World Wide Web.

This is my journey.

A life long journey of just barely surviving.

A life long journey of no self esteem to just barely having self esteem to just a little self esteem

A life long fighting through everything. Silently.

A life long journey of not knowing who I am, to barely knowing who I am, to I know who I am...Don't I?

A Journey through depression that I never knew I had until my mid 20's but still really didn't get it until my 30's. Now, here I am in my 40's and still trying to figure out how to manage the depression.

Without medication...

Oh, did I mention.....that I have anxiety?

Anxiety I believe was triggered hard in my mid 20's because someone tried to do me harm, possibly kill me? And 20 years later still not knowing who sent someone after to do me harm when I had an almost 3 year old child at home? Yes, I have my ideas who but it still could be between 3 people and I have no proof.

The depression that was in my life from early childhood I believe.

I remember little of my childhood before the age of 9 & before moving to Arizona but what I do remember...wasn't always happy memories. At least not with certain parts of my family. Even now, I am wanting to erase all of that because it's hard to discuss (Some erasing did take place lol).

But I can say this, sometime after moving to Arizona, I started getting feelings of not being wanted. I don't remember anything specific being done, but I just felt it. Felt like I was adopted, like I wasn't my mother's child. Always feeling like the odd child out...

And I think those feelings got worse once my mom had my sister.

No, I don't blame my sister, not at all..I just think my sister was, and is, the daughter she always wanted. Like she got another chance "to do it right with this one". For a long time I felt that she was the favorite but kept pushing it down because I mean, come on, she is almost 13 years younger than me! Of course she get's the attention but even as we got older...the feelings never left...they got worse...But again, I kept pushing it off like, okay, maybe I am just being jealous/insecure....

UNTIL....

I had a conversation with someone who made some thoughts clear to me about some things they were seeing and made me realize....

I am NOT the only one who has noticed.....

And it surprised me when those things were said because I always felt like 'some' liked 'them' more than me too.

But woo..that's another story for another day!

I grew up always being scared to say what I'm thinking, even respectfully, because I thought I'd get in trouble. The last thing I wanted was to be yelled at, smacked, "spanked" (ha! that's putting it nicely) or whatever else you can do to make someone feel scared to speak up. I was even told that I was liked more than someone else because I "never talked back". And, I responded with what I just said above...That I was too scared too. Their response was I could..I said no, I couldn't. I don't remember the conversation word for word, but in a nutshell, I knew the above statement was true.

Here I am, 44 years old, almost 45 and still struggling to speak up for myself.

I am quicker to speak up for my sons than I am for me but there are many times that I feel like I should have spoken up for my sons more, but didn't..and I have regrets for that to this day. But, I guess that might be for another time too.

So basically, I have a life long issue of "fear of others" because I didn't know how they'd react and holding stuff in until I blew up and leaving folks wondering why or thinking that I was crazy.

Holding all of that stuff in, I realized later on in my life, is the reason I have such anger issues and depressed. And maybe even why the anxiety may have started but didn't get triggered until close to my mid 20's from the previously mentioned life threatening situation. When it came to discipline, sometimes, it would be days before it was "doled out" and there I was anxious and scared all day or even up to 3 days at least a couple times waiting to be "disciplined". So, that didn't help with anxiety either I guess.

So, I say all of that to say that I have a long journey ahead of me, still and maybe me sharing this, semi anonymously, it will be the beginning of my healing.

I know, I was all over the place but hey, there are just some things that I am not ready to say because I keep feeling like I am throwing people under the bus.

As a parent, I get what it is to do your best and still feel like you're not doing enough.

As a parent, screw up and know that you just might have scarred your child for life unintentionally!

B U T ....

I do my best to apologize to my sons and explain to them all I am dealing with...emotionally and mentally. Maybe that is something I can try to discuss. How having low no self worth growing up can really cause a lot of issues with you and how sometimes, it's not always obvious.

Depression

Anxiety

Weight issues

Bad relationships

And those last two things can make things worse than what they already are....

Oh yeah, and forgot to mention I was bullied throughout junior high and high school....

Yeah, that made things so much better in my life (sarcasm people).

I felt like my life was hell at home...then go to school and have to deal with hell? SMH

Now, don't get me wrong, I was no where near perfect. I wasn't an angel by any means..At least not the ones who came from heaven...But, at the same time, the stricter my family was with me, the more I acted out...The more control they tried to take, the more I acted out. The less they included me, the more I acted out! In all of this, I know now (again, being a parent)...all of that acting out was me just wanting the love that I felt I wasn't getting. Even if that was wrong in my feeling, I just never felt fully accepted...by many in my mom's family and as I got older, I began to feel isolated from my biological father's side of the family (that it was deliberate). As I get older and begin to realize how little I knew about people I should've known more about..People that have now been gone for almost 23 years! I got angry! So, something else to heal from...but kind of embarrassed to ask about because I "should know" more about folks but don't! (Another thing I learned growing up and dating a narcissistic person...don't ask too many questions and don't ask questions you may not want the answer to...so, I don't ask many questions..but gradually getting out of that now because I have no other choice)

(The not including me on things: still something they do to this day. Doesn't hurt me as much as it used to but for the longest time, it hurt me so much because I felt and still feel that I am not the daughter they want me to be...ashamed of me being....overweight.....a single mother..with two sons (Teenager & 20 something)...two guys ...don't want to be with either one....Remember that "bad relationships"? Yeah...That's just the tip of the iceberg...But, I just knew I had to do what was best for me and not remain in toxic relationships...extended family who was toxic..still may be but I don't talk to many...even if I grew up in a household that was toxic, doesn't mean I needed to continue that cycle..I may have gotten into it, but that doesn't mean I needed to stay in it)

This isn't so much me "blaming", but more like....releasing....

Releasing all of the hurt, pain, frustration, anger, and whatever other negative feelings that can be named...and just letting go. To stop holding it in! If I can't talk to my family...without fear of arguments...why not just release it to strangers...who may or may not get it.  Who may or may not tell me to suck it up and get over it....(which is part of the problem and why I am so screwed up..not being able to properly release it....having to "suck it up"...well...I am done "sucking it up" dangit!..lol)


But...okay...Sorry...still rambling...Now..that we have a LITTLE back story...I can maybe move forward....maybe take some of those things and discuss them...maybe have "Aha moments" as I share my life with perfect strangers.

Next step..Figuring out when or if I am willing to discuss anything else! I do feel better with the rambling I have done...Even if I was all over the place...

Come join me on my Journey....

Sincerely,
JRH

P.S. I will update the blog and try to make it look a little better as time goes on. Right now, it's a bit plain but that's because it's new and I am not sure what I am going to do with it yet...and if I am going to continue on this journey of writing because I have realized, sharing my thoughts and feelings can take a lot out of me and it extremely hard and will cause my depression to kick up hard...then lay me out! For days! So, one step, one day, one share journal at a time. And hopefully I will find other things to talk about as well or things to do to stay on this Journey of Healing. :o)

P.S.S. I am a Spiritual woman who really doesn't like titles but, if you are one who needs to have a title, I'd be more Christian than anything because I was not born Jewish. But usually, when asked, I say I am Spiritual with Messianic beliefs. I bring this up because my faith may show up a lot in my blogs, when I do blog. I do not and will not apologize for my faith anymore than I expect anyone to apologize for theirs..or lack their of. I do not push my beliefs on anyone, I just know my personal experiences and why I believe. I am a believer in God and working on becoming a better follower of the Messiah..

Now, that said, I am done! lol